


Paramind

by liveyourtemptation



Series: calling yourself everything but the light [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Cisco's Powers, Earth-3, Feels, I Don't Even Know, Literal AU, Minor Character Death, this is fucked up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8818831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveyourtemptation/pseuds/liveyourtemptation
Summary: It happens in an explosion. There is nothing left of Zoom. Cisco gets catapulted away, flying with no direction until he plunges into the soft embrace of a different reality, a different world, a different truth.
 
What happens the month Cisco is away. Or the one where Cisco has to figure something out to move on.





	

_Nature remembers who you are/not who you're trying to be_

_I can't help this awful energy/godamn right/you should be scared of me_

_I wanted to see how it would feel/to be that sleek/and instead I find this hunger's/made me weak_

 

**Cisco**

 

It happens in an explosion. There is nothing left of Zoom. Cisco gets catapulted away, flying with no direction until he plunges into the soft embrace of a different reality, a different world, a different truth.

 

His head is spinning and even though his vision is blurry he recognizes where he has landed. The cortex. Of course. Of every possible world he lands in yet another STAR Labs. And sure enough a Barry is running towards him and he can see Caitlin covering her mouth with her hands while he looses consciousness. The last thing he sees is a familiar figure in a wheelchair.

 

He wakes up and thinks that he should go home instantly. Than he hears the sobs. He opens his eyes. He is laying on one of the stretchers in the med bay. Next to him Caitlin, this world's Caitlin not his, sits on a chair with her face in her hands. She is crying so hard her shoulders are shaking, trying to stifle the sounds but it still sounds loudly through the lab. It's awful. Cisco knows that he doesn't know this person, that she is just a strange woman and her pain shouldn't concern him. But it's still Caitlin crying and there is probably no universe where Cisco wouldn't feel the need to comfort her.

 

“Hey, Caitlin,” He says and sits up.

 

She startles and quickly wipes the tears away. “Hey, hey. Take it slow, okay.” She is by his side and tries to push him down again but he reaches for her, slowly so she can back away if she doesn't want to. When she doesn't move he pulls her into a hug and strokes her hair while she clings to him.

 

“What's going on?” Cisco murmurs while she shivers in his arms.

 

“I think that is a question we should be asking you.”

 

Cisco knows that voice, that clear slow intonation, and his heart picks up its pace. He tries to control his face when he turns to look at Eobard Thawne. It's striking how much he doesn't look like Harry and it's not just the haircut, his movements more deliberate like a snake waiting to strike. They don't know, Cisco realizes. They think this is Harrison Wells. Dr. Wells. And if he wants to life he shouldn't let on he knows any better.

 

Barry leans against the door behind Thawne and they're all waiting for an answer from Cisco. He looks around the room.

 

“Where am I?”

 

“You're in STAR Labs in Central City,” Barry says.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Cisco says impatiently. “I mean, where am _I_? Where is your Cisco?”

 

A long silence follows. Caitlin makes a little helpless noise. Cisco watches Thawne to see if he betrays something, something he might have done- But to his surprise Thawne drops his gaze and there is a shadow over his face like real emotions. But maybe this Thawne is just a better actor.

 

“Cisco died,” Barry finally says. “It's been a while, I don't know-”

 

“So who are you?” Thawne asks with a sharp voice and rolls closer. “We know you're not him because we buried his body.”

 

Because you crushed his heart, Cisco thinks. He feels nauseous, he wants to run, but he can't show that he knows about Thawne. One false move and he can measure his powers against the speedster that Barry could not defeat.

 

“Yeah, I'm not him. I'm sorry. I'm from another world. Like parallel universe.”

 

“Excuse me?” Caitlin asks so surprised she forgets to cry.

 

“It's the new hype after time travel: Opening portals to other earths. Happened kinda on accident.”

 

Thawne looks like he is having a revelation while Barry looks like he just got the migraine of his life. Cisco gets up from the stretcher and sways just a little. He should leave as soon as possible, he thinks but then Caitlin grabs his arm to steady him.

 

“You're from another universe?” She asks him with a gleam in her eyes and Cisco thinks, goddammit this is going to end badly.

 

“How did you end up here?” Thawne asks coming even closer. Cisco realizes that maybe it had been a very stupid idea to tell Eobard Thawne about inter-universal travel. Cisco would not put it past Thawne to find a way to use it to his advantage. They fought hard to be safe from Earth-1 Eobard Thawne and don't need the Thawne of a different world to haunt them.

 

Cisco walks backwards and puts his hands up. “Look, guys. I realize you have questions but you're kinda crowding me here. I accidentally landed here.” Don't tell them about your powers. “After being dragged off by a crazy egomaniac meta.” That's sounds too much like Thawne. “He's actually called Zoom. Well actually Jay Garrick, actually.” Good, Cisco, very smooth.

 

Thankfully Caitlin steps in front of Cisco now so Thawne can't stare holes into him anymore.

 

“We should let him rest. Who knows what toll that took on his body. We don't know anything about traveling to other- dimensions, worlds, whatever.” She ushers Barry and Thawne outside. “I'm going to run some tests.”

 

Cisco uses the time the three are outside of the room to open a portal. Better leave before he does to much damage. He reaches out, feels for the vibrations of this world, and suddenly his vision is turning black again and he faints for the second time this day.

 

When he wakes up again he is back on the stretcher and Caitlin is pouting over him. Looks like he is stuck here for the moment.

 

“I told you to stay down,” She says.

 

“Sorry.”

 

He really needs to get back to his world. The only relieve he has is that Zoom is finally gone, dead, and his friends, his family is safe. Jesse is safe. Even though he has only known the girl for a couple of days she carved out a place for herself in his heart. He wants to see her again, to tell her everything is going to be okay now. He wants to see Barry and Caitlin again who he hasn't seen since the confrontation at the warehouse. He wants to see his own world again, it's been months now in strange worlds and he misses the comforting hum of Earth-1. He wants to see Harry again.

 

He stays at STAR Labs declining multiple offers of the guest bed or couch at various houses. It would be weird. He actually looks for the room Harry has set up his makeshift home in on Earth-1. He finds the space crammed with shelves over shelves with files. Like printed on paper. Weird world. He finds something that might have once been a staff room complete with an old coffee machine that looks positively broken and a dead plant. There is a couch, too. He settles down there but the chill drives him up to the cortex again in search for blankets.

 

He finds some in a cabinet when he hears someone enter the room. Not on foot. He turns.

 

Thawne is leaning back in the wheelchair and scans him. Then he pushes himself up and walks a few steps closer to Cisco. Oh oh, not good at all.

 

“Nothing?” Thawne asks. “You're not even going to pretend to be surprised.”

 

“I'm too tired.”

 

There is it again, emotions flickering over Thawne's face. Cisco takes a peak over the wall that he surrounds himself with. Thawne is radiating a mixture of hurt and happiness that Cisco can't explain. He takes yet another step closer and Cisco backs away, stumbling until he hits against a chair falling into it.

 

“I won't hurt you,” Thawne says. He comes closer, and Cisco thinks this is it, it's over now, he survived Zoom just to be killed by the Reverse-Flash. And it feels surprisingly right. He relived that moment so many times that it feels like coming home in the worst way possible.

 

“Just like you didn't hurt the Cisco from this Earth?” He asks, words rushing out in a panic. “I bet you dumped his body in a pit somewhere.”

 

Thawne is upon him and Cisco flinches but there is no punch, no nothing and Cisco looks in time to see him drop to his knees in front of him. His face his turned to the ground so Cisco can't see the expression, he's just swaying lightly and then leans his forehead against Cisco's knee.

 

“I couldn't-,” Thawne whispers. “Look for me, I know what you can do. Look for me.”

 

Cisco shivers and he wants to back away but the chair is already backed up against the wall. His mind is already filtering through strange memories that don't belong to him. He knows that he can do it, see the life from his doppelgangers from past to present and even future if tries hard and takes the chance of a nosebleed. But he doesn't like to do it, it's confusing, mixing with his own memories from time to time, making him react to situation that haven't happened to him.

 

He's zooming in on the memories of this earth's Cisco, a blue string that stops abruptly, finds the day, the hour he is looking for, and it's really not the end of the line. He dives into the memory, though he doesn't know what he's supposed to find there, what he wants to find there, only knows that Thawne is probably trying to manipulate him again.

 

It's the same, the same room, the same fear he feels, the same words from Thawne ( _I think we have never been properly introduced-_ ) until it's not:

 

“-and in many ways you have shown me what it means to fall in love.” (The look is still the same, the narrowed eyes, the confusion at his own words, just stronger.)

 

Cisco's heart is beating out of his chest and it's fear and excitement and disbelieve and hope. Thawne is raising his hand, preparing for the final strike, but he hesitates. Cisco can already feel the phantom pain he knows so well, his heart breaking over and over again. But this time there is no strike, just the words ( _please, forgive me_ ) and then a kiss. It should freak Cisco out but this Cisco is not, and he lets himself get swept up by the emotions, clinging to Thawne, wanting it, desperately kissing back, thinking that they will manage somehow, that this is not the end.

 

He pulls back from the memory and Thawne is still kneeling in front of him. Before he can stop himself he extends a hand and touches Thawne's hair, just the lightest of touches but Thawne still shivers at his feet.

 

This is why Cisco is not messing with stranger's memories. These are not his feelings, not at all, he pushes them away, far far away until he is safe behind his wall again.

 

“So he knew and told Caitlin and Barry nothing?” Cisco asks. (What was he to you, he wants to ask. How did that work? Could he forgive you? But he doesn't dare to ask that.)

 

“I decided to stay for him,” Thawne says as if that explains anything. He looks up and Cisco understands the expression he has been seeing on his face since he arrived here. It's open unguarded affection. It softens Thawne's sharp edges, makes him look more like, no, not Harry. Maybe like this earth's Harrison Wells.

 

“I'm not him,” Cisco reminds him.

 

Thawne clenches his fists and his face changes back to the carefully guarded expression Cisco has gotten to know on Dr. Wells.

 

“I know.”

 

“I want you to go,” Cisco says without raising his voice. Thawne gets up and walks back to the wheelchair. There is rush of satisfaction in Cisco that he really doesn't want to analyze right now. Before Thawne leaves he throws Cisco a last look, considering with a smile tugging at his lips. He starts to say something but stops himself.

 

“Good night, Cisco,” He finally says.

 

When Thawne is gone Cisco loosens his grip on the blankets.

 

Back in the staff room he lies down on the couch and searches for his earth. He drifts to sleep and in his mind there are pictures of his friends all safe and unharmed but with a sadness lingering around them. He has to get home soon.

 

Except he can't. Like technically he can. When he wakes up the next day he feels completely rested and he's already gripping the fabric of this universe between his fingers ready to tear his way open before he can think. But then his brain kicks in. He thinks about this Caitlin crying at his side. He thinks about Barry looking younger than his Barry has looked in a while. And he can't leave them, not yet, not with Eobard Thawne still around.

 

He knows he shouldn't get involved in this timeline. He really shouldn't. And he is not gonna do anything drastic for now. Just stick around and figure out Thawne's intentions. Their conversation from yesterday pushes to the front of his mind, he doesn't know what to do with it, doesn't know how he feels about it except confused. He knows if he leaves now it will feel unresolved and haunt him forever.

 

(There's a quick thought that this is not his mess to solve, but it goes as quickly as it comes.)

 

So he waits until Earth-3 (That's what Cisco is calling it now. He discovered it, he names it.) Team Flash comes in. They don't ask him what he's doing here or what his plans are. Just let him stay and watch. It's like having an internship in your past, Cisco thinks.

 

When Barry comes in at half past nine Cisco is puzzled.

 

“Why aren't you at your day job?”

 

“What day job?” Barry asks wearily keeping his distance from Cisco. “This is my day job.”

 

“You're still here,” Thawne remarks completely neutral when he wheels in.

 

Cisco doesn't even startle. I could rip you to shreds, he thinks. Well maybe not shreds but he took care of Zoom. He could handle Thawne.

 

Over the course of the day Caitlin leans to him to whisper: “You're not particularly fond of Dr. Wells, are you?”

 

“Where I come from,” Cisco says, “We have a complicated relationship.” Understatement of the year. Of the century.

 

He follows Caitlin around because she doesn't seem to mind, even looks happy about it. Barry still seems shaken by his arrival and Cisco understands the poor guy. He wonders how much he's damaging the timeline (and their hearts) by staying. He should have learned by now. But he can't leave. Not yet. He sets himself a deadline: A day to figure out everything he needs to know.

 

“How did he die?” He asks Caitlin while she's looking through a microscope. He sits next to her straddling a chair with his chin on the backrest.

 

She looks to the ceiling sucking in a deep breath of air and then turns to him. “A robbery gone wrong,” She says. “Awfully mundane.”

 

Cisco mulls on that for a while. Of course he didn't die on a mission, Barry would have been there to save him. Cisco doesn't really need the confirmation that Thawne hadn't killed this Cisco but to hear it again brings back their conversation from yesterday. _I decided to stay for him._ Cisco shutters. He turns back to Caitlin.

 

“You know, I think this was the happiest time of my life.” He tells her. It's not something he has ever said out loud. Hardly admitted it to himself.

 

“What?” Caitlin looks up from her work somewhere between annoyed and curious.

 

“We had this constellation on my earth, too. You, me, Barry, Dr. Wells. But then things changed. They're quite alright now, too. But I really think I have never been happier than back then. And I think that was true for your Cisco as well.”

 

Caitlin sits completely still and lets out shaky laugh after a while. “I don't know if my therapist would love or hate you.”

 

“Do you want me to go?” He asks because he has to, because if this is hurting her too much he will.

 

“No,” She says and puts a hand on his arm as if he is about to jump up and leave. “Please, stay.”

 

So Cisco sticks around. He stays longer than a day. To tell the truth he he doesn't even realize it. There is a spot in this world where a Cisco Ramon used to be and it's sucking him in like a black hole, as if this universe longs to be complete again. If he would think about it he would maybe think about words someone once said to him in a place very far away: _Do you know that we, you and I and all the others of us, are often the pivot points of our universes?_ What would happen to a universe if it were to loose its axis?

 

Cisco builds them weapons to catch metahumans, he talks Barry through missions, he leaves the room when Thawne enters it as often as he can, he goes on coffee dates with Caitlin, he lets himself be surprised by this new world over and over again. Where Earth-2 has that glamorous steampunk aesthetic, this earth is sleeker, simpler in its contours, more concrete and glass. STAR Labs is almost the same except that the cortex is mirror-symmetric which results in a lot of walking in the wrong direction for Cisco. Sometimes Barry or Caitlin will give him a device and he just stares at it in wonder. Earth-3 technology is often alien to him, not that it takes him too long to figure it out. (He is very intelligent after all.) The people have the habit of touching the shoulders of others as a greeting and they tell the time in a very weird way. Cisco is positive that any logical measurement of time should not go up to the thousands, but alas, he is only a simple Earth-1 person.

 

**Caitlin**

 

It doesn't take long for Cisco to find out that Caitlin has a child and it doesn't even surprise him. He has seen the way his Caitlin watches kids on playgrounds and at the table next to them in Jitters. And she'd make the perfect mom, too, in Cisco opinion: a bit stern with a fathomless well of love. This Caitlin here, Earth-3 Caitlin sticks to regular office hours and is almost never there for night missions. Cisco wonders about it but doesn't ask. Then one day, they are neck deep in work with a meta case and Caitlin is balancing four different viles of potential explosive stubstances while telling Barry where not to touch the meta if he doesn't want to die of a disease no one has ever seen before, she turns to Cisco and says: “You got to pick up Leon from kindergarten, I will have to test the samples Barry brings in later.”

 

When Cisco comes to the kindergarten there is only one little boy left waiting: Leon. It's eery and probably just Cisco's mind playing tricks on him but he looks like Ronnie. It's the eyes or something. Cisco doesn't even know if Ronnie is the father. Caitlin had called to tell that Cisco is coming to pick Leon up but the woman still looks at Cisco as if he is about to kidnap the boy. Cisco doesn't mind. He kneels down in front of Leon. He must barely be three years old.

 

“Hey, Leon. I'm Cisco. I'm a friend of your mom.”

 

The boy turns his face away, dark curls bouncing up and down. He doesn't say a word but he takes Cisco's offered hand. When Cisco puts him in the booster seat in the car he thinks how small children are, how fragile. Leon probably doesn't remember the other Cisco, he had been to young to form lasting memories back then, right? But Leon watches him like he does recognize him.

 

At Caitlin's house Leon seems to have accepted Cisco. There is a shy little smile and a hand tugging Cisco in the direction of Leon's room. In the next hours there is coloring in, a car race, the triumph of the good knights over the evil dinosaurs, three different picture books started and then discarded after two pages, and a dinner for which Cisco holds Leon up in front of the open refrigerator and lets him point at what he wants to eat. When Caitlin comes home she finds both of them asleep on the carpet in Leon's room with Leon snuggled into Cisco's side. There is a half-finished lego model of an engine next to them.

 

**Iris**

 

The first time Iris sees him she drops the laptop she had been carrying.

 

“What the- Cisco?” She says and Cisco has to think of his mother's voice when she caught him sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night.

 

“I can explain,” He says instinctively.

 

Iris looks good, does so on Earth-1, too, but here she is dressed more sophisticated, sharper, and it suits her. She closes in on Cisco and slaps him on the arm.

 

“You're real,” She says.

 

“Yes, I am,” Cisco says and rubs his arm.

 

“He's from a alternate universe,” Barry explains and hands her the laptop he caught.

 

Iris gives him the once over Cisco is used to from her dad, cataloging all details and coming to a conclusion. She doesn't share hers, just turns around and absently kisses Barry on the corner of the mouth. “Just wanted to check in, darling,” She says and walks over to where Caitlin and Thawne are watching the news.

 

“So, you're dating?” Cisco asks.

 

“We're not on your earth?” Barry asks and shoots Cisco a puzzled look.

 

Cisco makes a motion with his hand as if he would be zipping his mouth shut. Barry suddenly laughs.

 

“You're better at this not talking thing than I am.”

 

“This may sound harsh but I'm better at so many things than you,” Cisco says with a pitiful voice.

 

“But I'm still faster,” Barry says with a smirk then looks caught as if this isn't supposed to happen: them joking around like this.

 

Before Cisco can think about it there is a loud yell from the other side of the room. They join the others around the TV. Iris looks like she might pop a vein. The news anchor continues talking.

 

“Even though many call the 'Flash' a hero, CCPD emphasizes that he is a vigilante often times breaking the law. But it is hard to believe that statement when city officials entertain questionable relationships with said vigilante.”

 

A picture of Iris appears.

 

“State's attorney Iris West who is leading most of the cases built on arrests made by the Flash, has been reportedly talking to the vigilante on various occasions. Iris West is one of the youngest state's attorneys in history, making big waves with her win in The State VS. Rathaway.”

 

“Damn fools,” Iris spits out and start pacing around the room.

 

“Is your boss going to be angry?” Barry asks.

 

“Oh, Snart better watch herself,” Iris fumes. “I have so much shit on her I can blow her up to pieces if she tries to start something.”

 

“Lisa Snart?” Cisco asks.

 

“Yeah, the D.A.,” Caitlin says. “She's pushing for very strict metahuman laws. Iris is doing her best to work against it.”

 

Cisco almost caves in there and tells them that on his earth Lisa Snart is a petty thief with a tendency to make out with Cisco. He doesn't though.

 

“Strict laws?” Iris rages on. Cisco really doesn't want to be the one that anger is directed at. “It's a registration act. She wants to break like ten human rights and I don't get to talk to my boyfriend in public.”

 

“At least not when he is wearing the suit,” Thawne cuts in and Iris goes quiet instantly. “I understand that it is hard, Ms. West, but it really is for the best. Until we figure this out.”

 

Of course Thawne is against the Registration Act. Cisco wonders if metahuman detections apps exist here like on Earth-2. It would mean a quick end to Thawne's secret identity if someone where to walk past him with something like that. Cisco is mentally throwing dart files into the back of Thawne's head when he suddenly turns around and looks at him. Those eyes have haunted his nightmares. Cisco's heart is racing and he know this isn't fear, this is something worse.

 

“Are you going to help us or just stand there?” Thawne asks.

 

Cisco is very close to throwing all caution into the wind and just telling them. That this man is not who he claims to be, that he murdered Nora Allen, that he caused the particle accelerator explosion to create the Flash, that he just uses them and will turn on them when the time is right.

 

_I decided to stay for him._

 

But Cisco doesn't know the last part for sure, does he. What if Thawne really has changed. Not that it makes up for what he has done in the past. But- There should be no but. They're all staring at him and Cisco doesn't know what to say. Would it hurt them more to find out about Thawne now or later? His brain is starting to hurt.

 

“I'll help,” He answers. “However I can.”

 

“Oh, I'm sure we'll find something,” Thawne says. “Brightest mind of your age, right.”

 

Cisco makes a face at him before he can stop himself. Oh no, this is not good. Thawne only looks amused and Cisco is aware that he is being played – again. But if Thawne wants to do it this way he can have it. Maybe Cisco has to pretend that he is Dr. Wells but he doesn't have to pretend they're friends.

 

**Barry**

 

This Team Flash has a really bad relationship with the police. Cisco doesn't dare to ask why they don't just ask Joe to help them on cases. One time when they really need some police intel Barry mumbles something about a detective who seems friendly that he could ask and flashes away before anyone can ask who he is talking about.

 

Cisco's curiosity finally wins and there is only Thawne in the room so he brings himself to ask him.

 

“You want to know why Barry never talks to Joe?” Thawne seems surprised. “They have a very strained relationship, obviously. Is Joe not a police detective on your earth?”

 

“Yeah, sure. But what does that have to do with anything?”

 

“It has a lot to do with with Barry's record,” Thawne says. “I imagine it is hard to have to arrest your son – adopted or not – multiple times.”

 

Cisco's mouth drops open. “Barry has been arrested?” Is Thawne kidding?

 

In fact he is not kidding, as Cisco finds out. Barry has a juvenile record a mile long. Minor assault charges, disrespecting police officers, a couple of DUI but mostly for selling drugs. It floors Cisco. He can't console it with his Barry, his sweet, caring and honestly idiot Barry who would probably be to dumb to actually sell weed. But he cannot console it with this Barry, too. He's maybe a bit rougher on the edges but still the Flash, still helping people wherever he can, putting his life on the line for them.

 

“People change,” Thawne mumbles and Cisco throws a pen after him. (Where did he pick up that bad habit?)

 

**Eddie**

 

At one point Cisco finds himself pressed against an overturned police car between Barry and a police detective he knows - knew - all too well.

 

“Hi, Flash,” Eddie says, blue eyes and breathless smile, then lifts his hands over the hood of the car to fire a few rounds at the bad guys entrenched on the other side of the road. He turns back to Cisco. “And who are you?”

 

“Associate,” Cisco says and hands him a gun of his own design equipped to slow down the metahuman of the week. “This is the detective you've been talking to?” He asks Barry. Joe's partner, he wants to ask but doesn't because Eddie doesn't look like he knows about The Flash's secret identity.

 

Barry shrugs and flashes away to instigate a fist fight.

 

“I''m Eddie Thawne by the way,” Eddie says. “Thanks for the gun.”

 

Cisco sighs exasperated.

 

**Barry**

 

“Doesn't it bother you that people call you a vigilante?” Cisco asks Barry one time. He is leaning over the suit trying to figure out what his Earth-3 counterpart has thought when placing the comms at that place.

 

Barry hovers behind him and stays silent. Cisco is already convinced he won't get an answer when Barry speaks up. “No, I don't care. All that matters is that I know I did the right thing.”

 

Cisco turns around and watches Barry fiddle with his mask, looking everywhere but at Cisco. It must be hard, Cisco thinks, to have Cisco and his confusion around, hinting at a world where the Flash is a celebrated hero.

 

“I did a lot of bad stuff,” Barry continues, dropping his gaze to the ground. “I'm just trying to make up for it. I'm not doing it for the recognition.”

 

 

**Cisco**

 

The topic of his abilities does come up. He learns that Earth-3 Cisco was experiencing his first vibes right before he died and Cisco thinks, oh sweet summer child. They ask him about his powers and he makes a noncommittal noise, and instantly regrets it as a smile starts spreading over Thawne's face.

 

“What can you do?” Thawne asks smile spreading wider and wider.

 

“Stuff,” Cisco says vaguely. “Stuff I can't control.”

 

“We can help you.” Thawne looks like he might jump out of the wheelchair from excitement.

 

“How are _you_ gonna help me?”

 

“Well, Dr. Wells helped me get faster,” Barry says and there is a surge of protectiveness in Cisco's system. Yes, he wants to scream, so he can use you. Thawne looks at him with a grin like a shark, not even trying to act like Wells now, and his eyes are saying, Come on, Cisco, tell them, tell them that I could help Barry because I'm a speedster, too.

 

Cisco doesn't tell. Some days he doesn't know why. On other days he pretends. He pretends it's them again, his Barry, his Caitlin and Dr. Wells. He shouldn't. He's surprised by how good he is it at it.

 

**Iris**

 

One time when he is waiting in front of Iris' office to pick her up for lunch Lisa Snart walks past him. She stops and turns to him. He tries to blend in with the wallpaper.

 

“Do I know you?” She asks.

 

Cisco shakes his head. “One of those faces,” He adds.

 

She narrows her eyes and then walks away leaving Cisco, heart beating fast and missing that smile she used to shoot him. Not she, he has to remind himself. Another woman in a different universe with the same face.

 

Lunch turns into a trip to the court archives. Iris is looking for precedence to prove the Registration Act is against human right laws. They sift through files and folders, Cisco asking himself again why Earth-3 seems to be so adamantly against digital archives. After a hour Iris lets her head sink on a pile of transcriptions and sighs.

 

“Where you come from,” She asks. “Is it this hard, too?”

 

“Yeah. Different. But still hard.”

 

She looks at him as if she is trying to see all the things he isn't telling in his eyes. Cisco knows she can't but Iris has a way of looking into his soul, it scares him sometimes. He likes this Iris a lot. She's less playful, harder eyes and firmer grips. But when she laughs it's loud and unashamed. She is a furious whirlwind and Cisco wonders if she's like that because of Barry or if it just happened: different world, different person.

 

They eat Hot Dogs at a stand on the other street side of court and Iris is stealing his sun glasses so he blinks into the early summer day of Central City, people streaming past them on their way to their jobs or their homes, and Cisco doesn't even notice the second sun rising on the horizon.

 

**Cisco**

 

Somehow he ends up telling them every detail. About his powers. Maybe it's the way Barry keeps asking, or Caitlin looks concerned or Thawne's power over Cisco seems to shrink with every word.

 

Of course they're awfully professional about it. Caitlin makes him list every physical sensation he has from headaches and nausea to the way he feels as if he is falling through matter sometimes and he can hear the universe singing. She doesn't say much, just takes notes and measures his blood pressure.

 

Thawne constitutes that supervised practice is the best course of action and Cisco doesn't know why he agrees to it. It's definitely not because Thawne looks at him like Earth-1 Thawne has only ever looked at Barry, with amazement and wonder. He doesn't care about that, Cisco thinks while he shoots cans over an empty parking lot imagining it's Thawne's head he lets fly a hundred yards through the air.

 

There are actual blast coming out of his hands by now and he only almost faded from existence once. After that Caitlin starts monitoring his vital functions and stops him before he dissolves. Barry is throwing balls into the air and Cisco shoots them down, feeling the vibrations run back through his body like a recoil. He's good.

 

Maybe he is doing it to protect himself.

 

“You're an uncontrolled weapon of mass destruction,” Thawne had said. “If you don't learn to control it there is nothing much you can do except hurl your whole self at the enemy. Possibly injuring yourself or others in the process.”

 

“You love that, right?” Cisco had answered. “You're already thinking of ways to exploit my power.”

 

**Caitlin**

 

Leon actually keeps asking if Cisco can come around again so he does end up on Caitlin's carpet a couple of times. He doesn't mind it. He never had any strong feelings negative or positive about children but it's really fun to hang out with Leon, it let's him forget all the other shit for a while.

 

When Leon is taking a nap he sits with Caitlin in the small kitchen and they drink iced tea and stare out of the window. There is a garden behind the house, it's really more of patch of grass with a tree and some flowers, and the summer heat has left everything dry and burned.

 

She finally tells him that Leon is really Ronnie's kid and there is something swelling in Cisco's chest and he thinks about the short time they had thought they had Ronnie back just to lose him again. He debates telling Caitlin about FIRESTORM but he doesn't. They'll find him if and when they are supposed to. Amazing, apparently repeated time and dimension traveling turns you into a believer of destiny.

 

Caitlin tells him that she doesn't know how she would have coped without Leon, that he had been her only hope and joy after Ronnie died, and Cisco is happy for her, is happy that in some aspects this world might actually be better than his world, however fucked up that sounds. He looks out of the window again. The man on the radio says that it is the hottest day of the year.

 

**Thawne**

 

Sadly they slip into something of a dynamic, Cisco and Thawne. It starts with exchanging looks when everyone else in the room is not knowing something. Sharing a secret is as good a cause as any for interactions. Cisco finds himself trying to prove a point, trying to show Thawne that this time he is not going to fool him, to hurt him, that he is smarter now, stronger. Thawne lets him and shows no sign that he is actually impressed and in turn Cisco tries even harder.

 

One time Barry talks about the Reverse-Flash and Thawne pretends to swat a fly. Cisco has to laugh for a hour and cannot explain it to anyone. (It's really not funny. Maybe Cisco has finally lost his mind. It's not the first time that thought has occurred to him.)

 

Cisco knows he is playing a game here. That it has to stop.

 

Cisco keeps pushing. Thawne never pushes back. But he never backs down either. Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

 

**Eddie**

 

Eddie actually finds out about the Flash's secret identity not much later. He shows up at STAR Labs to ask for help on a weird metahuman case that he doesn't know is one, only that it is weird and it seems like the STAR Labs kind of weird. Eobard Thawne is doing that thing where he pretends to have empathy and normal human emotions and Cisco wonders if their Thawne was such a bad actor, too, and if they just didn't want to see it.

 

Barry chooses that moment to walk into the cortex suited up with Iris at his side. They stop dead in their tracks when they see Eddie whose face shifts from shock to disbelieve to something like joy.

 

“So, the media is right,” He says to Iris. “You do know the Flash.”

 

Cisco has never seen Iris lost for words.

 

“What are you doing here, Detective Thawne?”

 

“I'm working. And you?”

 

Barry sighs and throws the hands up in the air. “Whatever, folks. Let's tell him.”

 

Now it's Eddie's turn to look speechless as Barry pulls down the mask.

 

“Barry Allen? You're Joe's kid right?”

 

It's like the revelation at the end of a comedy of mistaken identities. Cisco would be entertained if he hadn't been through this a million times already.

 

“Nice when family visits, right?” He says to Thawne on his way out and earns only a dry laugh.

 

**Cisco**

 

The earth is breaking all around Cisco. This is not what he intended. That's why he didn't want to go out with Barry in the first place. The meta had surprised them. Cisco had only reacted. Maybe overreacted.

 

There is a rift opening in the ground and the meta is running from them over the empty street but he's not fast enough. The last thing Cisco sees is the panic on his face. Then the shaking ground makes him loose his balance, too. The ground is hard and just won't stop moving under Cisco's hands and he is thinking that he has to stop it somehow, it has to stop, just stop, but he doesn't know how. He hit his head when he fell and there is blood trickling down his face, running in his eye, clouding his view. He tries to move away from the ever growing rift in the asphalt, he reaches out and tries to close it again, or at least stop it, stop this madness. But the atoms are gliding through his fingers, there is nothing he can do.

 

He hits his head again and everything goes black.

 

When he comes back up he's on a stretcher at STAR Labs and Thawne sits cross-legged in his wheelchair next to him. Cisco groans and throws an arm over his face. He feels numb from pain meds except for the anxiety in his guts.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Barry got you out.”

 

“The meta?”

 

“Dead.”

 

The way Thawne says it doesn't make Cisco feel better: detached but with a hint of pride in his voice. Of fucking course. Cisco thinks he should cry or scream or something but there is nothing in him, just void and the sickening realization that this is who he has become now. Hating himself is like coming home, like pulling on an old favorite sweater.

 

“Cisco,” Thawne says. “Is this really troubling you so much?” When Cisco says nothing he continues. “This is not the first time you killed someone. Zoom is what you called him, right? It's nature. You kill to survive.”

 

“This was not about survival.”

 

“It was an accident.”

 

“Don't say it like this is something that just happens from time to time,” Cisco hisses and his head feels heavy and his eyes hurt.

 

Thawne is quiet for a moment. Cisco debates getting up and leaving but he has no strength left in of him. It finally happened. What he had wanted to prevent from the beginning. There is a cruel kind of satisfaction in him that he has been right. He should have not been given these powers. He cannot control them, he will only cause wreckage and he knew it from the beginning. Still he had given in because he had wanted to save Jesse, because he had felt an obligation to use everything at his disposal, and he had continued because Thawne, like always, had crept into his mind, maybe never even left.

 

“Cisco, listen to me,” Thawne says. “You think I look at you and see a pawn that I can push anywhere on the field where I want you to be. But that's not true, you're not a pawn anymore. Haven't been in a long time. You are extraordinary, Cisco. Even if you cannot see that. You have been given a gift and not by me, maybe by something acting through me. What happened today does not make you a bad person. It just makes you. You are destined for greater things than any of us. You can be stronger than Barry, than me. You are the one who lets gods stumble. You are so beautiful. And maybe _you_ have been given these powers because you will never abuse them.”

 

There is laughter bubbling up in Cisco, irrational hysterical laughter. “I did and I will. Maybe not in this universe or the one where I come from. But I've seen them all, and let me tell you, I'm not all daisies and sugar.”

 

“I never for once thought you were.”

 

This is not something Cisco should want: the admiration in Thawne's voice. This is not something he wants to want. But he has been hungry for validation his whole life, starved for it, for someone to see more in him than the idiot younger brother of. Thawne was the first one to see him for who he is and he still hasn't recovered from the shock.

 

“I missed you,” Thawne says.

 

And yes, yes, me too, Cisco thinks, so much.

 

Hating himself is second nature to him by now.

 

**Barry**

 

When Cisco does start to hang out with this Barry they always end up in a bar quietly drowning their sorrows next to each other. It's so different from his relationship to his Barry and Cisco thinks that they are way too young to be sitting here like this. But it is nice, honestly, and Cisco wouldn't miss these nights when they just comfortably exist next to each other.

 

On one memorably evening they actually do talk. The TV in the bar is playing the news and Det. West is talking animatedly yet muted over their heads. Barry sighs and lets his head drop even deeper over his beer.

 

“Maybe you should just tell him,” Cisco says.

 

Barry looks at him like he just suggested he should jump into a pit full of snakes. “Do you want to see me dead so badly?”

 

“No, I mean, what you are doing is great, Barry,” Cisco explains. “You are doing a good thing, you are saving lives and when your Joe is anything like the Joe from my world he'll see that.”

 

Barry doesn't look convinced but he doesn't argue. A guilt complex a mile high, Cisco thinks. They slip back into their usual routine of not talking and the evening passes. No one really pays attention to the two young man both lost in their own heads. And when they leave the bar they're maybe leaning against each other a bit but you could hardly tell.

 

**Harry**

 

It's almost four weeks on Earth-3 when Cisco finds the photo. He is sifting through the clothes he has bought here strewn over the floor in the staff room that has become his makeshift home and finds the one pair of trousers he brought to this world. He wants to put them into a bag to bring to the laundromat later when he notices something in the back pocket. It's the photo of Harry he got from Harry's mother. It's a bit crumbled up and he smooths it out to look at it.

 

He has to sit down. It hits him like a blow, everything that he hasn't been thinking about for the last weeks, what he left behind, that he left something behind. He puts his head in his hands and tries to breath. How could he forget? Well, he never actually forgot that he is not from this world but somehow he forget the other, _his_ world. Seething anger boils up in him, and he's mostly angry at himself for staying this long, always angry at Thawne for somehow still worming his way into his mind, making him stay without even saying the words.

 

The photo is burning in his hands and he smooths it out carefully once more. It's Harry in his element: working and annoyed. Still young, so young. Denim shirt and awful old school glasses. Cisco almost hears him say, Goddamn Cisco, what took you so long?

 

He turns the photo over with shivering hands. What is he still doing here? What does he want to achieve? What does he want to prove?

 

This is not his world. He wants to go home.

 

**Joe**

 

There is one thing Cisco has to do first. There is no recognition in Joe's eyes when he opens the door. Cisco thinks he looks sad.

 

“Yes?” Joe asks.

 

“I'm Cisco Ramon. I'm a friend of Barry.”

 

“He's not here. Hasn't been in a while actually.”

 

Joe is about to close the door but Cisco holds his hand up. “I wanted to talk to you, Mr. West.”

 

Joe looks at him weird but lets him in. Cisco follows him into the house he knows so well yet not at all. They sit down at the kitchen table and Cisco thinks about all the times he has sat here, the Christmas and birthday parties, the relaxed evenings with Barry. Joe doesn't offer him anything to drink but Cisco is already happy Joe is even listening to him. If Cisco doesn't do this he will not be able to leave.

 

“What do you know about Harrison Wells?” Cisco starts.

 

“Harrison Wells?” Joe obviously has no clue what's going on. “He is the man who blew up half the city.”

 

“I worked for him,” Cisco says and it is the truth, kind of. “Lately Barry has been helping us, that's how we met.”

 

“Barry has been helping-? Well, that's just like him.” There is a bitterness in Joe's voice that seems to go down to his bones.

 

“We're trying to right a terrible wrong, Mr. West. Barry can sympathize with that.”

 

Joe stays silent for a while than he says: “So you came here why exactly?”

 

“I'm here because I believe that somewhere in your heart you still care about Barry and you want him to be save. I'm going to leave so I'm telling you.” Joe isn't stopping him so he goes on. “Harrison Wells is not the man who he says he is. Barry always sees the best in people and he could get hurt.”

 

“So you're telling me not to trust Wells? Already doing that.”

 

“I'm telling you to believe in that instinct no matter how good he seems or how much he helps,” Cisco says insistently. Then he gets up. “And when you're ready you should talk to Barry. He needs you even if he is too proud to tell you.”

 

Joe looks at him puzzled and silently follows him on the way to the door. He shoots Cisco a last questioning look but that's all Cisco dares to say, too afraid of causing a ripple effect of changes in the timeline. He hopes the doubt he has planted in Joe's mind will be enough to protect Barry and Caitlin.

 

**Thawne**

 

He knows where Thawne pretending to be Wells lives but he has never been here in this world. The house is the same posh, modern structure of glass and white walls. It's ridiculous. The door opens and Thawne is leaning in the frame smiling at him, arms crossed, waiting, always waiting, never offering something up first, only reacting.

 

“I came to say goodbye.” Cisco brushes past Thawne, wandering in the house. Thawne is close behind him but lets him lead the way.

 

“How considerate of you,” Thawne says when Cisco quits trying to figure out where in the empty spaces he wants to have this conversation in.

 

Cisco stares at him and doesn't know where to start, if he really wants to say the things he came here to say. Maybe this visit just proves that he'll take any excuse to see Thawne one last time. Maybe it's that, but maybe he's giving himself less credit than he deserves. Maybe this is really just what he says it is. A goodbye. A final one this time.

 

“You know,” Cisco finally says. “I could have learned that all on my own.”

 

Thawne laughs and takes off his glasses putting them on the nearest surface. He considers Cisco's words for a moment. “I know. It would have taken you longer probably. But you would have made it without me. I'm merely a catalyst. I am aware of that.”

 

“When I first came here,” Cisco says. “I wanted to figure out what you're up to. If you're a threat to Barry and Caitlin. And after all this time I still have no fucking clue. What do you want?”

 

Thawne steps closer raising a hand to cup Cisco's cheek and he doesn't even startle anymore.

 

“I'm not him.”

 

“I don't care.”

 

Thawne leans down, pressing their lips together and Cisco lets him, just listens inside himself if he wants this. But there is no part of him that is enjoying this. Whatever his Earth-3 counterpart saw in Thawne, he doesn't share it. And while he pushes Thawne away he admits something to himself: That he may have never loved Thawne like that, he hadn't wanted him to leave.. He had wanted that perfect time to last.

 

Thawne is looks perfectly broken in front of him and Cisco thinks that it serves him right.

 

“You wanted him to stay,” Thawne says as if he can read minds too now.

 

“I wanted him to not be a psychotic killer,” Cisco says and it sounds bitter and heartbroken, revealing more than he wants in front of this variation of the man who caused this pain.

 

Cisco turns to leave. There is no other way than forward. Enough dwelling in the past. Thawne is saying something behind him but he doesn't listen anymore. The portal opens and engulfs him, bringing him where he belongs. On the way he thinks about the time that lies behind him. He doesn't like the person he has become on Earth-3, bitter and uncaring, acting purely out of spite, and he is scared that they'll notice back on his earth. That he will just be like this from now on. That the softness has no place inside him anymore.

 

When the portal opens up in the cortex of his world, he pushes these thoughts to the back of his mind. The first thing he sees are Harry and Caitlin at the main console and then he's got an arm full of Harry and Barry flashing in the room and he doesn't worry anymore.

 

He is home. He is finally home.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know anymore. 
> 
> Title is from Bon Iver's 29 #Strafford APTS. I don't know what it means but it kinda sounds like paramour and translates as 'half-mind' what i like.   
> Epigraphs from Like An Umlaut In English - Bonaparte/ Control - Halsey/ Undertow - Suzanne Vega.
> 
> I had a lot of fun exploring Earth-3 and thinking about different courses that life could have taken. As always I'm sorry for making Cisco sad, it pains me too, I promise. I'll make him happy one day.


End file.
